Are you killing your son with kindness? If you are a parent facilitator who has established a trust fund for your child, think twice before you act. As a psychiatrist who specializes in addictions, I am very exposed to the “trust fund baby crisis.” In other words, I treat youth who finance their drug and alcohol use with the money YOU are providing them. Trust funds perpetuate teen alcoholism and drug abuse.
Trust funds are a form of “entitlement.” They often prevent a teenager from becoming an independent and self-sufficient young adult. Families set up trust funds because they want to make things “easier” for their children compared to how they grew up. BIG MISTAKE!
Trust funds are the fastest way to lead your teen into dependency and laziness. Trust funds are crippling and often plant the seeds for addiction. Addiction combined with lots of money can be lethal. Trust funds disable your teen by interfering with 4 key life lessons:
1. We grow by facing challenges that we are not sure we can meet. By pushing our boundaries and being successful, we build confidence and skills, whether it’s academic, athletic, or social success.
2. We learn to value money with “sweat and effort”. If money is given and not earned, it is not “valued.”
3. By “earning a living” we learn about delayed gratification. We wait for a paycheck, we budget our expenses to face a purchase and we learn to save. We learn to “postpone” immediate pleasure.
4. Earning money gives us a sense of satisfaction. It is an external validation of something positive that we have achieved on our own. We learn to understand that by working hard, we will be rewarded for our persistence, focus, and dedication.
Setting up a trust fund for your teen literally prevents him from fending for himself. Here is a case from my practice:
TS is a 26 year old boy whose parents sent him to me for excessive drinking. He had a history of teenage alcoholism and never finished high school. His grandparents left him an inheritance. He has never worked, has never succeeded in school and has been drinking since he was 13 years old. Unfortunately, the only skill he has developed is drinking alcohol. He has failed 2 treatment programs because after he is discharged, he always goes back to live in his apartment (paid by inheritance) where he finally relapses after feeling bored doing nothing. He has enough money to pay for an apartment. He spends a lot of money on alcohol.
TJ has no idea how to get a job. He has no skills and has never learned to “buckle up.” He has very low self-esteem and is easily frustrated. He also has no interest in the world of work. He says that he doesn’t want to be under anyone’s control (ie a boss), yet he is under the control of alcohol.
His parents are waiting for him to run out of money (which will be soon), so he will be open to getting the help he needs to succeed in sobriety. If he hadn’t had his inheritance, he would have had to finish school, get a job, and probably would have cooperated with alcoholism treatment. His heritage has made it nearly impossible for him to recover. His situation is very similar to that of the trust fund addicts I treat. Most of them don’t work, don’t go to school (or take very few classes), spend money on drugs and alcohol, and live in beautiful places that their trust fund pays for. They are essentially rewarded for their addiction!
A trust fund baby or a “trust fund addict” has never been pressured into the school where disciplinary skills first begin. Are you guilty of making excuses for your teen like “he had a really hard time getting divorced” or “he had attention deficit disorder and school was too hard for him” or “his father was an alcoholic?” Expect more from your teen and you’ll get more.
Parents; Don’t be facilitators! Trust funds, more often than not, are detrimental. Set expectations for your teen or young adult that he should work or do well in school. If necessary, get tutors. If ADD is present, get it treated. Get legal advice to control your trust fund money if there has been teen alcoholism or teen drug abuse. Addiction problems that start early often continue into adulthood.
Don’t raise a trust fund baby! Don’t finance or perpetuate your teen’s addiction. Support your child to be independent and successful. After all, that is our job as parents.
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