You once said ‘yes’ when the priest asked if you wanted to make that person your husband. Young, full of dreams for the future and madly in love. You are full of happiness and love when he announced you as husband and wife. You knew for sure that you would live happily ever after together with your children in a beautiful and big house in a safe neighborhood.
Of course, the first few years were great, with, you have to admit, the occasional fight here and there, and then you and the kids didn’t get any luck. But as the years passed, you felt that you were becoming more and more empty. The love for your partner is over and you want to secretly divorce. But how do you do that?
Make sure of your case before taking action
Getting married is, in most cases, a life-changing action. You pledge your undying allegiance to someone, “through thick and thin,” until death. “That is a very loaded promise and therefore certainly not to be taken lightly. In essence, you promise that you will stay with your spouse for the rest of your life, even when things are not favorable.
So if you kept your promise very faithfully, you couldn’t even get a divorce. Fortunately, times have changed and divorce is no longer a problem, now it happens every day. However, like marriage, divorce should not be underestimated. Divorcing your spouse will have a huge impact on the people around you.
Now, of course, it’s not the intention that you have to stay in a marriage, but it certainly doesn’t hurt to think carefully about your decision (divorce or not?). Do not make a hasty decision, but consider both options in detail. Is there really no hope for your marriage?
Tip #1: Ask yourself these 7 questions
Instead of driving yourself crazy with that one question (“Do I want to divorce him or not?”), you can make it easier by asking the following 7 separate questions. These will help you get an answer to your main question, and perhaps you can make a final well-considered decision later.
#1 Do you still have feelings for your spouse?
Unless you feel completely insecure (emotional/physical/mental/financial), the only real reason to get divorced is a lack of necessary affection for your spouse. Only make the decision to divorce when you can no longer bring yourself to consider your spouse as a loved one.
Don’t ask for a divorce because you argue so often, or because you’re not intimate and together. These are reasons to talk to each other, share your feelings, and perhaps make the decision to enter couples therapy. These are not reasons to get divorced right away! For example, while you still have feelings for each other, therapy may offer the solution!
#2 Were you ever really married?
A marriage is only really a marriage if the two spouses can be considered an “us”, rather than two people living under one roof. Marriage is more than buying a house together, having children together, appearing as a couple on occasion. Marriage is a partnership of two people, a facade based on love.
Find out for yourself if you are really a ‘we’ or just a ‘you and me’. Did you get married simply because you thought it was supposed to be, and only did the required activities that were involved in marriage because this was simply expected of a couple? Or did they get married because they had a burning passion for each other and really wanted to get married?
#3 Are you really ready to get divorced or are you just threatened with it?
It is not common for spouses to threaten divorce. During a sudden quarrel, a husband may sometimes yell “I’m going to divorce you!” These arguments can be driven, for example, by the following reasons:
– Anger and frustration.
– A sigh of power and control over the other person, a way for the spouse to see things from their own side
– To let your spouse know that you really want something to change
– As a wake-up call that your marriage is shaking
Keep in mind that if you often threaten to divorce, this will greatly diminish your credibility towards your spouse. Are you really ready for a divorce? She can safely think that she is at peace with him and that she can no longer do or give anything for her marriage. They will be able to discuss it with their spouse without accusations being thrown at each other’s heads.
#4 Is your decision based on self-awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?
Being in a position to divorce your spouse indicates that you are able to make a clear and emotionless decision that you truly support, even in times to come. It means that you are able to let go of all the strong emotional ties with your spouse, both the sweet ones and the hostile ones and the painful ones. Actions taken based on emotions are often irrational and hasty.
You are ready to divorce if you can see that you are making an honest decision, rather than an emotionally charged decision. For example, if you can say, “I know you’re a person with your own personality and dreams, and I respect you for that, but I don’t want to be married to you anymore.” In other words, his emotional attachment to his spouse has diminished.
#5 What is your reason for wanting to divorce?
If you have a reason for getting divorced other than to stop the marriage, it is an indication that you are not ready for a divorce yet. Don’t assume that her spouse will suddenly change and treat you better; then you will still have difficulties. A divorce doesn’t give you the power to make someone change their mind, just to end a marriage.
#6 Have you resolved your internal divorce conflict?
Precisely because your lives have become so entangled and dependent on each other during your marriage, you may feel guilty if you suddenly realize that you are no longer happy and want to divorce your spouse. Acknowledging this guilt, the internal conflict, and acknowledging that she is struggling with the impact of a divorce is part of preparing for the divorce.
#7 Are you able to deal with the upsetting effects of a divorce?
Divorce is more than just ending a relationship with your spouse. Before you make the decision to divorce, ask yourself if you are ready for the upcoming changes. If not, you are not (yet) ready for a divorce.
– Changes in your finances, lifestyle or traditions
– Acceptance of the sadness and anger of your children
– Acceptance of the uncertain period, fear and the unknown
Tip #2: Start a conversation with your spouse
Telling your spouse that you want to divorce him/her will get embarrassing anyway, unless it turns out to be a relief for them (lucky you). However, how you tell your partner about it will determine the further course of your divorce. Keep the following settings:
The beginning
Pick a time when you’re sure you won’t be disturbed: turn off your phones and place your kids with relatives/acquaintances. Then immediately start the conversation with what you want to tell him (the bad news). Do not turn it around, and give direct and clear reasons. Don’t dive into a long story, but also give your partner a chance to respond.
listen to your partner
You have to prepare for your husband to be considerably surprised by your announcement and react with anger and hurt. There’s a good chance he’ll throw all sorts of reproaches at your head, but don’t be tempted to get defensive; this will only lead to a fight.
Tell your loved one as objectively as possible what you have seen and experienced in your marriage, and thereby tell him what (negative) feelings he evoked in you. In particular, don’t say that he is a “bad husband” or something similar. This way you prevent your partner from feeling attacked. Let him talk and listen carefully, from time to time summarize your interpretation of what your partner says.
End the (first) discussion
Chances are, this first discussion won’t be the only one you’ll have about your divorce. There are many more details that need to be discussed regarding her divorce, but first, give your spouse the space to give her a place to decide.
Tell your partner that you are sure you will reach a reasonable agreement, but that the time is not right. Finally, repeat what you said before. Assure your spouse that you like him/her and will cooperate when you are ready. Then end the discussion.
Tip #3: File your divorce
Even though you are the one filing for divorce, this does not mean that you are completely over your spouse and ready to move on. Divorce has an impact on your entire daily life, and the changes that will occur in your life will have to give you a place.
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