The topic of parental alienation is a hot topic, and which side you’re on, is very much determined by whether you’re the parent who’s trying to destroy any relationship between your kids and your ex, or if you’re the ex.
It is a pattern of behavior that creates fear, anxiety and mistrust towards the target parent. Often it’s the mother, but it could be either parent, subtly, and sometimes not-so-subtly, trying to drive a wedge in the parent-child relationship. The subject is difficult to identify by what the alienator is doing, for example, “Susie, I want you to call me as soon as you get to Dad’s house. You know you can ALWAYS call me if you need me.” On the surface, it looks like mom is just being a concerned parent. but the underlying message is that “Dad is not a safe environment for you and I am concerned for your well-being.”
Many judges, lawyers, therapists, counselors, and evaluators will not see this as an example of PA, but when comments like that accumulate, it begins to drive a wedge of fear and mistrust between the child and the parent. The goal of the alienating parent is to destroy the relationship between parent and child, so in a child custody case, full custody is awarded to one parent in violation of the rights of the other.
Parents already have a hard time with this as they are usually not the primary caregiver so their relationship is minimized due to time constraints. Professionals across the spectrum argue about what constitutes, but a great resource for concerned parents is www.breakthroughparenting.com. Dr. Jayne Majors is an expert at spotting it and giving men the tools they need to combat it.
Dr. Amy JL Baker has written a book on the subject, “Adult Children of Parental Alienation, Breaking The Ties That Bind,” available on Amazon.com and select bookstores. The book covers the subject both from the perspective of the alienated child and from the perspective of the alienated parent. It is a resource for victims and the professionals who care for them. Her website is www.amyjlbaker.com and she has an eBook available for $9.95 as a download called “Beyond the Highway-Responding to 17 Parental Alienation Strategies Without Compromising Your Morals or Harming Your Child.” This eBook was written to provide specific parents with concrete suggestions for handling parental alienation tactics from the other parent.
TIPS TO PREVENT ALIENATION FROM PARENTS
1. Clear limits. Parents must have clear limits on what is and is not acceptable communication with a child, when in the care of other parents, and those limits must be enforced. Phone time, visiting, and visiting violations are topics that need to be clearly explained.
2. Create a record of the behavior. Frequently the abuser tries to make it seem like they are just a “very protective” parent, with frequent calls to the police because they are “concerned” or notifying Child Protective Services about “possible abuse”, these actions should be documented and register. created when reports turn out to be false on the part of the abuser.
3. Family therapy. The outside, objective opinion of a therapist can be invaluable in fighting for her rights and showing the court that the other party is abusing her right to be “protective.” This can be a game changer for the abused parent and, more importantly, for the child who is being alienated from her parent.
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