I often hear of people who have only agreed to a trial separation because it is what their spouse wanted or insisted on. They have no intention of making the separation permanent or allowing things to deteriorate so badly that the separation eventually leads to divorce. But they know that their wishes will not automatically come true unless they take control and make it happen. To that end, they often want to know how they should act during the separation to give themselves the best chance of reconciliation.
I heard from a wife who said, “My husband has been wanting a divorce for the last seven months. After much arguing and pleading, I finally convinced him of a trial separation. My greatest wish is to save my marriage because I still love this man and i know having an intact family is best for my kids but since he left things between us have gotten even worse he says he feels i push him too much and trying to keep up with him of course i want to communicate with him regularly because I’m struggling to keep him. But my friends say my strategy is wrong. They say I need to give him space and not be so stifling. Are they right? How should I act to give myself the best chance of getting him back?
I understood the actions of the wife. Her descriptions reminded me a lot of how I acted during my own breakup. He wants so badly to cling to her husband. You want to know that he misses you as much as you miss him. And you feel as if stepping back, even a little, would allow it to slip right through your fingers. But, this wife’s friends had a valid point. Often the more you cling to your estranged spouse, the less he wants to allow you access to him because he feels pressured. And very often, he imagined having some space during the separation. And when he doesn’t get it, he may blame you and take his space by forcibly distancing himself from you. This is not what you want. So, below, I’ll offer some advice on what I think is the best course of action during a breakup when your main goal is to win him back.
Don’t act like you’ve already lost it: When estranged wives tell me they want their husbands back, I often remind them that he is still their husband. He has not left the marriage yet because there has been no divorce. Yes, being apart is scary and it certainly doesn’t imply that you are happily married without any issues. But neither does it mean that the divorce is imminent. Many separated couples reconcile and avoid divorce.
It is very common for wives to panic in this situation and act as if they have already lost their husband. This contributes to attachment which can make an already difficult situation worse. So ask yourself if you’re acting like you’ve already lost it. If so, now is the time to change that and show some confidence, even if you have to force yourself to do it. Often, her husband will follow her lead, even if neither of you realizes that he is doing it.
If you give off the feeling that things are just terrible and that it’s just weeks away from one of you filing for divorce, then whether you try or not, you make this more likely. But if you seem certain that everything will work out because you’re determined that it will and you know that the two of you really love each other, then you’re more likely to reconcile.
Don’t look at it how to act: When wives ask me how they are supposed to “act” to make something happen, I have to remind them not to view any part of this process as acting. The last thing you want to do is let her husband think that she is manipulating you. Any action you take and any feeling you show must seem absolutely genuine.
If you think of this as acting, you may be sabotaging yourself. You want to show your husband your true, authentic self when that self is at its best. If you feel like you’re acting, he steps back and re-evaluates what you’re trying to portray. You always want to make sure that the one he sees is you and not some role you are playing. Because if he even suspects that you’re not being genuine, then he won’t be remotely receptive to your words or actions.
Do not create additional drama. Be as accessible as possible: I understand that there is a lot of uncertainty and fear right now. So, I fully understand that it’s hard to be optimistic and approachable. And yet that is exactly what I am suggesting. Because if every time you and your husband are together you discuss difficult topics or try to get him to come home, he will simply start avoiding you. You’ll start to hear excuses about why he’s busy or can’t get through to you. And face-to-face meetings can get weird.
To save your marriage, you need to gain some ground. And to do that, you need to spend quality, enjoyable time with your husband. For that to happen, you’ll need to be approachable and personable. This is back to being the best version of yourself. Always try to be positive and optimistic so that you enjoy the time you spend together. If you do this correctly, he will naturally want to continue interacting with you and this should naturally lead to an improvement in your marriage.
So to answer the question posed, you shouldn’t be looking at this in terms of “acting” a certain way. But you need to take a very positive and open approach that makes your interactions feel effortless rather than forced.
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