“Be courteous to all, but intimate to few, and let those few be well tested before you give them your trust. True friendship is a slow-growing plant, and it must suffer and withstand the blows of adversity before it is entitled to the denomination.”
–George Washington (first president of the United States)
There are two phases in a friendship or relationship. There is the interest phase in which something about a person has reached its peak of interest. Then there is the bonding phase.
The phase of interest is typified by some commonalities. Things are light and fun. You delight in common experiences or share a common interest. It reminds you of the honeymoon phase of a marriage. You enjoy how you feel when you are with the other person. Whatever the warmth and fuzziness of it, this is the phase. “He understood me.” “She believes in my dream.”
The bonding phase is the most revealing phase. He is the revealer. In a sense, the person allows you to see who they really are. Differences, disappointments, and conflicts are the tools of the bonding phase. The man who understood you when you talked about another person is now distant and does not want to talk when it comes to a problem you have with him. The woman who once believed in your dream now complains that she never sees you.
Although most would agree that the bonding phase is essential, it is the most difficult to navigate. Why is so difficult? Perhaps there is a part of us held back from childhood that prefers fantasy to reality, daydreaming to work, romance to love. Sure children live to play, but have you ever seen children together? Sure they laugh and laugh and play, but it’s all intermittent with bumps, bruises and disagreements. The same boy who limps into the house crying because his friend pushed him down rushes out to resume the game once they kiss and bandage their boo-boo.
For me, college was where the real bonding happened. It was not something that any of us did consciously. We just shared our lives together for those four years. We shared food, challenges, disagreements, betrayals, but when all was said and done, we still clung to each other. Maybe it was because we needed a family unit since we were all hundreds of miles from home. I don’t know. All I know is that I still have those friends to this day. My college roommate is still someone I can go months without talking to, then with a conversation, the bond is renewed. And though there have been marriages, children, and a lifetime of experiences in between, there is that knowledge, that trust, that safe place where my heart rests.
It takes time to bond. No matter how nostalgic you feel during the interest phase, one cannot ignore this. You may feel that you have found a special friend in moments of sharing common experiences and similar values. They could enjoy each other’s company and be, as Forest Gump puts it, “like peas and carrots.” Regardless, once the novelty wears off, there is a major disagreement, and/or familiarity is established, it becomes more revealing whether their “friendship” will continue to be of interest or can maintain a true bond.
As life is testing their friendship, there are some gifts. HAS clingy it is a concession for the simple fact of being human. The first time you and your friend have an intense disagreement, neither will feel good about the other. You must take that into consideration. Nobody likes to hear criticism or that someone has been offended. Even the most loving evolved or soul feels that tightness in the stomach when someone points out a fault.
All things considered, though, Maya Angelou says it’s best, “if a person tells you who they are, believe them.” If she tells you that she loves her job, believe her. If she tells you that he’s not interested in settling down, believe her. Now, in the interest phase, you listen but you don’t listen. You see but you don’t see. A person can tell you something about himself and it goes in one ear and out the other. I have been hurt many times because I did not believe what someone told me or showed me about themselves.
So how do you know if your friendship is based on interests or has the potential for a deeper bond? Here is my list:
o This friendship motivates me to be the best I can be.
o My friend and I seek to resolve the conflict, not avoid the conflict.
o We are both equally involved in the friendship.
o My friend has my back (seeks the best for me).
o Friendship promotes equality. He does not assume a role of father, savior or enabler.
o Despite the appearance of my faults, frailties and weaknesses, my friend still considers me valuable and worthy of respect and dignity.
o My friend and I can be vulnerable and not feel violated or devalued afterwards.
o I am welcome in the world of my friends.
As I mature, I realize that not all friendships are meant to be deep and lasting bonds. However, if you choose wisely and approach each relationship as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, you will find treasure in each phase.
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