I often hear from wives that they really can’t bear to see their husbands after finding out he has cheated on them or had an affair. Many simply don’t know how to deal with it, so they prefer not to be in her presence, at least for a while.
I recently heard from a wife who said, in part, “I’ve been completely ignoring my husband ever since I found out about his affair. I just don’t have any use for him. He’s staying with his old college roommate and I Yeah”. I don’t even feel bad about it. He calls, I ignore him. He tries to go through the house, I don’t open the door. I block texts and emails from him. The other day, he left a note in the mailbox that he was asking. ‘Are you going to ignore me forever?’ At this point, that’s my plan. I have nothing to say to him and I figure if he keeps trying to communicate with me after I ignored him then maybe he is really serious. My friend says I’m playing. a dangerous game with my marriage, but I really don’t care at this point. Is it better to ignore your husband after an affair? Or is there some rule that says you have to listen to him or talk to him?
There is no distinct set of rules regarding behavior after an affair. Most people just try to do what feels right or comfortable for them at the moment. And ignoring the husband who cheated on you or had an affair may seem necessary because you just don’t know what to say or how to respond when you feel so angry. Also, many wives tend to ignore their husbands after an affair because they feel that she doesn’t deserve his response or even her time. And the wives can almost see this process as a kind of test. The whole thought process is something like “if he keeps coming back again and again after I ignore him, maybe he really loves me and is sincere.”
I completely understand this. I did not allow my husband access to me for a while after his affair. She didn’t want to see him, talk to him, or even be in his presence at all. Seeing him as a mother literally makes me tremble. So, I wanted to avoid these bad feelings and reactions as much as I could. He would turn his back on her apology. There were moments when I childishly covered my ears with my hands to indicate that he could talk all the time but was not going to listen anyway. And you know what? This can feel very good and very right at the time. After all, he has hurt and frustrated you, so isn’t he worth a little pain and frustration?
I certainly don’t disagree with this. But as good and right as it feels to ignore it right now, there usually comes a time when it’s no longer useful to you. At some point, whether you decide to save your marriage or not, you will probably want some closure. And to do that, she’ll probably need to sit down and let each of you have her say. Even if it’s just to tell him how angry and disappointed you are with his actions, letting it out may be better than keeping it in.
And often listening to what your husband has to say can remove a lot of mystery or unanswered questions from the process. Nothing says that, after listening to it you need to make some decision or even offer some encouragement. But, for your own good, it can be healing to listen to what he has to say rather than keep asking you questions. And, if he’s full of apologies and regrets, this often brings you at least some relief. And if it isn’t, at least you’ll know where she stands, and now you’ll have all the information to justify any decision you might make.
With all this said, it is your right to set the pace. If you feel like you don’t want to talk to him or see him right now, then that’s perfectly fine. It is his decision and you should not let him or anyone else push you into a place of discomfort. However, he can avoid a bit of drama if you communicate this and make it clear that he needs some time to yourself, that you’re just not ready to listen to him right now, and that you’ll let him know when you are. .
As for the strategy of ignoring your husband to make him desperate to reach you so that he feels more sorry and loves you much more, I understand this thought. It is a very common strategy and returns control and power back to you. When someone betrays you, you’re often left feeling like you’re at the mercy of circumstances that you didn’t realize yourself. This is extremely frustrating. So anything you can do to feel in control again is very appealing. But, be careful not to take it too far.
Because if you have any interest in saving your marriage, sometimes husbands in this situation eventually give up because the wife makes them believe (partly by completely ignoring it) that there is no hope. And when she gives up, the wife sometimes thinks, ‘I knew it! He just didn’t love me enough. And sometimes the husband is thinking the exact same thing. But both people are disappointed, frustrated and heartbroken and this is a real shame. I understand your thought process, but I understand that it’s possible to take the game too far so that you end up losing what you really want deep down.
