One of the most common themes I hear is the lack of equity in affection between two spouses. Everyone wants to feel special, valued, and understood. And when enough time goes by without your spouse feeling these things, they will probably eventually tell you. Sometimes he tells you with words. Other times he tells you with actions. Sometimes you get both actions and words. This can seem very unfair when, in your mind, you love him very much and you go out of your way to show him that.
A wife might explain this type of scenario: “My husband has always been insecure in our relationship. I think he is handsome, but he is not. He has always said that people probably don’t know what I see in him. It is true that I had many boyfriends before him and men still look at me quite often. But honestly, I try not to notice this, because I don’t care. I am married. I am committed. Until now. as far as I am concerned, it is not necessary to think about this. But my husband thinks about it a lot. And it seems that he has convinced himself that I don’t love him enough. He has many friends and coworkers. that they are married to younger second wives and these fools fall in love with his husband and bow to his every whim. I would never do that. I have more intelligence and dignity than that. I tell my husband that I love him all the time. We’ve been married for many years, so obviously this wouldn’t be the case if I didn’t love him, but he will point out times when he says I wasn’t thoughtful enough or pampered enough or didn’t notice. that something was going on with him. He was angry that I didn’t leave work to attend a conference with him. If I don’t ask him about an important presentation at his work, he says I don’t care enough to notice what’s going on in his life. This is a bit silly for me as I have my own work life and I certainly don’t expect him to know or react to every single thing that goes on at my own job. However, I feel like I have to listen to him because more and more he starts making little comments about breaking up or just accepting the fact that he should have known all along that our marriage would never work. I want our marriage to work, but I still think his claims are silly. I love him more than enough, but he’s insecure and he’s got it in his head that he’s not attractive or that he doesn’t deserve me. The perceptions of him are not my fault.”
I can understand your frustration. It can be upsetting to see someone project their own values onto you when you really don’t deserve it. It’s certainly not your fault that he’s always felt a bit insecure about himself. Still, at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself which would be worse: breaking up or getting divorced and not having your spouse at all or finding little ways to boost your confidence and make him feel loved. If you’re still interested in your marriage, it’s probably later.
Sometimes you don’t have to go overboard to boost his confidence and show a little more affection. Sometimes all you are looking for is effort. It’s certainly worth trying, every day, to find something to congratulate him on. This is a very small effort that can pay big dividends. You’ll also want to make sure you show physical affection on a regular basis. Brushing his hand, putting your arm around him, or giving him a hug or kiss literally takes seconds, but it can mean you hear him complain a lot less.
I know it’s probably very tempting to try to make him see that he’s being petty and insecure. But honestly, this kind of talk could make him even more insecure. The best antidote for an insecure spouse is to try to build his confidence. I know this may sound like you’re giving him exactly what he wants, but he tries to see it from his point of view. How would you feel if you thought that he is more handsome than you and if you perceived that everyone thinks that you are not good enough for him and that you do not deserve it? This could be how her husband feels right now. Add that to the fact that he doesn’t sense that she’s showing him the affection he wants, and he’s probably pretty hurt (whether he’s justified or not).
If you can keep reminding yourself that your pleas are based on your own fear and not a true and accurate reflection of you, then it’s easier to approach him with empathy and patience. Just remember that at the bottom of this is a person who, deep down, is afraid of losing you. This perspective makes it easier to offer him peace of mind. That’s potentially all you’re looking for, although your method isn’t very good.
