How to take your love life to the next level using the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI)
The longer I work with the Myers-Briggs ® Type Indicator, the more I discover how powerful this personality instrument really is.
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, or MBTI for short, was developed by Katharine C. Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs Myers. It is based on Carl Gustav Jung’s theory of type, published in the 1920s. In short, it looks at four dimensions (or precisely: four psychological dichotomies), that is,
– how a person directs his energy, whether to the external world of people and things (Extraversion, ‘E’), or to the internal world of thoughts and ideas (Introversion, ‘I’)
– how a person takes in information, be it individual details through the five senses (hearing, sight, smell, taste, touch) Detection, ‘S’) or more in an ‘overview’ (Intuition, ‘N’)
– how a person arrives at decisions, either through logic, impersonal Thinking (‘T’)or through an approach that takes into account personal values and the impact a decision has on other people (Sentiment, ‘F’)
– and finally, how a person guides his life, either in a very organized or structured way (Judging, ‘I’) or more spontaneous, exploring options and keeping things open (Perceiving, ‘P’)
I realized that a deeper understanding of this concept can help dramatically improve relationships and prevent or resolve conflict between couples.
A key statement in the Jung and Myers-Briggs model is that there is no ideal type. They are simply describing natural preferences that are neither good nor bad. Either type has its strengths, as well as its weaknesses and blind spots.
To take your relationship with your spouse to the next level, you need to understand yourself first, and your partner second. If you discover that your spouse has preferences that differ from yours, you should be aware that this can lead to serious conflicts. However, the causes of these conflicts may be truly minor. Just a ridiculous misunderstanding or simply the result of seeing or doing things differently, but it can lead to making a mountain out of a grain of sand. Ultimately, such conflicts can put your relationship at risk.
A real life example: Let’s say you’re an introvert like me. A typical pattern of an introvert is ‘Think-Do-Think’. Most introverts don’t talk much, but often when we say something, we have something to say. Before speaking, we have internally decided comprehensively.
As an introvert, you need to understand that your extroverted spouse’s typical pattern is ‘Do-Think-Do’. Extroverts, so to speak, need to speak out loud to think for themselves. To an introvert, this can seem confusing, because the extrovert seems to jump from one topic to another. However, for extroverts, this is their natural way of making a decision, as they speak.
Do you notice the problem?
Neither form is objectively good or bad, right or wrong. It’s just different, and if you want to save yourself from trouble, you do well to be aware of this.
How can you apply this constructively?
If you’re an introvert, accept that your extrovert partner needs to talk in order to think. Get an idea of whether he/she is talking to himself or talking to you. Don’t get angry when you’re expecting a dialogue, but what you’re getting is a monologue. Accept that what seems to you like frequent changes of topics or opinions is simply a process that helps an outgoing person gain clarity.
If you’re an extrovert, accept that your introverted spouse talks a lot less than you do. Just because he’s quiet doesn’t mean he’s not interested in what you say or do. They are processing your information internally and can be 100% with you all the time. When they speak to you, they have made a decision and mean what they say. They may make statements that are too brief for your liking and may not share all of their thoughts with you. So the best (and easiest!) way to get more information is to simply ask.
Let’s look at another dimension that causes a lot of problems in relationships: the JP dichotomy.
‘J’s like to have things planned and organized. Normally on a Monday they will already know what they are going to do the following weekend. Yes, on Saturday and Sunday. If you are a J man married to a P wife, it may seem very strange to you that she prefers to get up on Saturday morning and see what the day has in store for her. Make sure that, in turn, she may discover that you are too strict with the rules and not spontaneous enough to enjoy life or take advantage of the opportunities that arise.
And once again, there is no best way to do things, neither is objectively right or wrong, just different.
You can take your relationship to the next level by consciously beginning to explore the other side. As J, get a taste of what it feels like to not have a plan for the weekend and learn to enjoy spontaneity. As a P, you may want to learn from your partner how to organize things that simply need to be organized.
Mutual respect for one another and acceptance of differences are truly the key to a great relationship. Take a look at yourself and your spouse, learn from each other and enjoy diversity.
In my last seminar I was asked if it is better for a marriage to choose a partner who is similar or different. As far as I know, there is no clear answer.
If you choose a husband or wife who is your ‘type’, you can easily understand each other. Possibly you will share the same values and approach things in a similar way.
On the negative side, a relationship between identical types can have some shortcomings. For example, in a team of two introverts, who will do the socializing? Between two ‘FPs’, who will take care of the household finances?
The old saying “opposites attract” may be very true, and you may just complement each other perfectly. But being with a partner with different type preferences also carries serious potential for conflict as noted above.
So, for the last time today: there is no right or wrong…
Either way, in fact, the key to a happy long-term relationship is awareness. Knowing who you are, knowing who your spouse is (in terms of type), and accepting yourself and the other person from the heart is essential. Then you will see how each of you contributes positively to the relationship, and you will know how and what you have to work together constructively.
Enjoy life, love your love life!
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