Oh, the “pulling back guy”. Some of you instantly know what I’m talking about, while others may be scratching your head and thinking, “Huh?” Trust me, EVERYONE knows what I mean. But in the interest of starting on the same page, here’s the basic definition of “type back”:
When a man, who chased you at first, lessens his chase.
In its most benign form, “man throwback” will include (but not be limited to) the following behaviors:
– Call (a little) less or not call for a couple of days at a time.
– Want to see you (a little) less than at first.
– Being (a little) cold, aloof or aloof.
– Acting (a little) less enthusiastic and confident about yourself and/or the relationship.
In its most extreme form, “type recoil” can manifest itself in one or more of the following ways:
– Throwing you away completely.
– Disappearing for a week at a time.
– By saying things like “I need space,” “I’m not sure how I feel,” and “It’s not you, it’s me.”
– Putting little or no effort into maintaining the relationship or moving things forward. Basically, it is withdrawn.
Dealing with “guy flashback” can be one of the most frustrating and scary things a woman faces in her relationship. And unfortunately, our natural instinct is to “get close” to our guy. I say “unfortunately” because that is the exact opposite of what you should do. (And, more often than not, doing what comes naturally will have a disastrous result.) So here you go. Here’s how to handle “type back”:
1. Play It Down: One of the basic tenets of a relationship is that the slower things go at first, the less your guy will back down. Do you know that I have told you that it is important not to be with your man every minute of the day? Why is it essential that you not give up your own life to spend time with him? Why do you need to curb how often he wants to see you and sometimes say “no”? How crucial is it not to jump every time he asks? Sisters, THIS is why. By being out of his reach and a little hesitant, you create HEAT. You create a burning desire. Nobody likes things that are too easy to achieve; especially men. When he has to work a little to get and keep your attention, when he has a chance to miss you, that’s when he’s much less likely to back down. So in the beginning, your job is to stay cool. Let him initiate calls, texts, and dates. Let him chase it And keep busy with your life so seeing him too much isn’t even an option.
2. The sexual factor: After sex, most men will regress to some degree. In a way, it’s a bit of a test. You’re probably wondering if you’ll act like most women before you and get all “girlfriend-y” and “relationship-y.” Again, if you have to WAIT a bit, you have to push yourself a bit, you’re less likely to go back. No matter what, after you have sex with a man for the first time, your job is to act like nothing has changed. You don’t start calling every time (or answer all their calls on the first ring). You don’t become clingy or needy. He does not ask for reassurance about his position or where the relationship is headed. Keep calm. You don’t act differently. And this will usually prevent “post-sex flashback.”
3. Don’t pressure him to back off: With the way a lot of women carry themselves these days, it’s no surprise that men back off. You’re not going to win his heart by making him cookies, posting sweet words on his Facebook wall, or buying him things. In fact, the more you “give” at first, the more it will regress. The same goes for saying “I love you” first, trying to pressure him into a relationship, or trying to make things move quickly. Let HE be the initiator. Let HE be the first to say “big words” to you. Let HIM be the one to secure a relationship. If you press, it is possible that it will access. But I bet that, in the not too distant future, you will have a boyfriend whose interest is starting to wane. So what should he do? You should reciprocate. You should react. You should answer. Men need encouragement and positive reinforcement. But let him lead.
4. Be encouraging, not stifling: Your guy may very well be in withdrawal mode through no fault of your own. Perhaps you have a work deadline looming, are dealing with a disappointment or setback, or are trying to manage a crisis. If so, and everything is going well with your relationship, you’ll know. Because? Because he cares enough about you to tell you. Sure, you probably still need the space from him; his own time to treat him his way. I think it was John Gray in his book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” who called this “going into the cave.” Your job is to quit. Men are often poor at multitasking. They have trouble handling several big things at once.
Here’s how you deal with “crisis withdrawal”: let him know you care, and then let him handle it himself. Say something like this: “I know (or am sorry) that you are dealing with/going through ___.” I’m here for you if you need me.” And then you leave him alone. Depending on the circumstances, he might be hesitant to ask about it again. (Use your best judgment here.) In fact, he may back off for a bit; go “to the cave. Give him his time and welcome him without reproach when he returns. And never force him to talk about his “feelings” with you. If he wants to, he will. Much more likely if he doesn’t feel pressured.
5. Don’t believe the myths: when your guy is pulling away, you’ll know it. You will feel it in your gut and you will feel that something is wrong. Don’t make the mistake of listening to well-meaning girlfriends who may say things like “He’s just busy” or “He’s scared.” Here’s the truth: Men make time for what’s important to them. If he is in love, he will not go days without contacting you. It doesn’t matter if he is sick, overwhelmed at work or studying for exams. No man is too busy to send a quick text or make a short call to a woman he cares about. And men usually don’t “freak out” because they feel so intensely for us. Sure they “get scared,” but usually it’s because we’ve scared them. So identify the pullback. Call him (in your mind, NOT him please) and don’t make excuses for him.
6. When he pulls back, let him… OK. Here it is; the crux of what we are talking about. You know his interest is waning. It keeps calling, but not as much. He still wants to see you, but he’s less than enthusiastic. It just seems…remote. Things just seem…off. You’re not sure why, but you do know that he IS; that they are Then what do you do? First let’s start with the opposite, with what you DON’T do. DO NOT go near him. You don’t ask “what’s up?” or “Are we okay?” You don’t start baking cakes or writing her poetry or buying her gifts. You do not initiate calls or contact. You don’t make plans with him or ask him to meet your family. In fact, you leave all that. You also go back. I like to say this: if he wants space, give him the galaxy. Being busy. be hard to get. She’s just out of his reach again.
You sure are kind. You’re great. You are not angry, hurt, or disappointed. (Okay, you probably are, but letting him know and getting mad at him won’t do either of you any good.) as a girl to sit and wait for him. And you certainly don’t want to reward their bad deeds with attention (either positive or negative). Doesn’t he call him several times when he says he will? Guess what you do? He goes out with your friends and doesn’t call him back for a day. (Or better yet, he waits for you to call back before answering.) Are you playing, you say? Call it whatever you want. I like to think of it as showing a man how to be treated and how not to be treated, in a language he understands.
Generally speaking, men do not respond well to women who behave emotionally and pressure them to reciprocate. They don’t like to answer questions like “What’s wrong?” and “Why are you acting like this?” What they DO respond to is the fear of losing something important to them. Show him how important you are. And the way you do that is by giving him space, pulling back as well, and allowing him the opportunity to miss you. Pressing on it or even giving it the illusion of heading towards it will cause it to shrink further and quite possibly disappear entirely.
7. If he’s seriously pulling away, let him go: Here’s “guy throwback” in its extreme form. It’s basically the “fold” or “fold” and you’re one quick step away from a “breakout”. If he’s continually canceling plans, constantly choosing everything else BUT you, and making all kinds of efforts to distance himself from the relationship, then girl, we’ve got a problem. If he says things that hint that he doesn’t feel the same way about you or tells you directly that he needs time to think things through, then you should let him go. It won’t surprise you that the LAST thing you want to do is try to talk him into staying. Discussing things at length or trying to negotiate some sort of resolution will do more harm than good.
So do yourself (and your self-esteem) a favor: no tears, no pleading. No banging your head against the wall trying to get him to see things his way and from his perspective. No fights or arguments. If he goes to the door, open it wide. Oops blackout, midnight, not even a night light DARK. Stay away from him. And use the time to resolve that you don’t deserve someone who is willing to cast you aside. Do this and the chances are good that he will eventually accept it. But if (and when) it does, will you really want it more? Hmmmm.
I like to think of the whole “guy withdrawal” thing as some kind of physics of dating. What is that law of motion that Newton came up with? Oh right, here it is… “For every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction; or the forces of two bodies on each other are always equal and directed in opposite directions.” Those science buffs may think this is a crude analogy, but it’s one I can understand and imagine in my head. Here’s how it works: he goes back, you go back. He walks away from you, you walk away from him. It’s simple, really. But here’s what Isaac Newton didn’t anticipate (at least when it comes to HUMAN bodies): responding to his recoil with an equal recoil will almost always elicit another reaction: he will once again move towards you.
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