Control anger, before it controls you
We all know what anger is, and we’ve all felt it: either as a passing annoyance or as full-blown rage.
Anger is a completely normal, generally healthy human emotion. But when it gets out of hand and destructive, it can lead to problems: problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel like you’re at the mercy of a powerful and unpredictable emotion. This booklet is intended to help you understand and manage anger.
*What is anger?* *The nature of anger*
Anger is “an emotional state that ranges in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage,” according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; When you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline and norepinephrine.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You might be angry with a specific person (such as a co-worker or supervisor) or an event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger might be caused by worrying or brooding over your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or infuriating events can also trigger feelings of anger.
*expressing anger*
The instinctive and natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural and adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive feelings and behaviors that enable us to fight and defend ourselves when attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival.
On the other hand, we cannot physically attack every person or object that irritates or annoys us; Laws, social norms, and common sense set limits to how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive, non-aggressive manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you must learn to make clear what your needs are and how to meet them, without hurting others. Being assertive does not mean being aggressive or demanding; It means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed and then converted or redirected. This happens when you suppress your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The goal is to inhibit or suppress your anger and turn it into more constructive behavior. The danger of this type of response is that if outward expression is not allowed, anger can turn internally against oneself. Inward-directed anger can cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, instead of confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who constantly put others down, criticize everything, and make cynical comments have not learned how to express their anger constructively. Not surprisingly, they don’t have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not only controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to slow your heart rate, calm down, and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger points out, “When none of these three techniques work, that’s when someone, or something, is going to get hurt.”
*Anger control*
The goal of anger management is to reduce both the emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can’t get rid of, or avoid, the things or people that make you angry, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
*Are you too angry?*
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone you are to anger, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you have an anger problem, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in a way that seems out of control and scary, you may need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
*Why are some people angrier than others?*
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more “impulsive” than others; they get angry more easily and intensely than the average person. There are also those who don’t display their anger in conspicuous and spectacular ways, but are chronically irritable and short-tempered. People who get angry easily don’t always swear and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, become angry or physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low frustration tolerance, which simply means that they feel they should not be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can’t take it easy, and they get especially angry if the situation seems unfair in any way: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people like this? Several things. A cause may be genetic or physiological: there is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often seen as negative; we are taught that it is okay to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions, but not to express anger. As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family history plays a role. Often, people who are easily angered come from families that are troubled, chaotic, and lack emotional communication skills.
*Is it good to “let everything hang out?”*
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that “letting it rip” with anger actually increases anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you’re angry with) resolve the situation.
It’s best to find out what triggers your anger and then develop strategies to prevent those triggers from pushing you over the edge.
*Strategies to keep anger at bay*
*Relaxation*
Simple relaxation tools like deep breathing and calming imagery can help calm angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners have short tempers, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
– Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest will not relax you. Imagine your breath coming out of your “gut.”
– Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as “relax”, “take it easy”. Repeat this while taking a deep breath.
– Use images; Visualize a relaxing experience, either from your memory or from your imagination.
– Slow, non-strenuous exercises, similar to yoga, can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you are in a tense situation.
