I have a guilty pleasure. It’s hard to admit, but it’s even harder to shake. i’ve been watching the tv show cheaters pretty faithfully (no pun intended) for the last 4 months. The addiction started when I picked up a uncensored cheats DVD at a garage sale for two dollars.
I’ve heard of the series, but never seen it. This was due in part to the fact that: (1) I consider myself too smart and sophisticated to watch a show about people who apparently have an average IQ of 70; (2) I thought it was fake; (3) I condemn deception and; (4) turned on at 2 o’clock in the morning.
Those were all valid reasons for what I felt would be a natural abhorrence of a show that had high ratings but low morality. After purchasing the DVD, I was able to watch the episodes at my convenience. He was amazed, horrified, fascinated, amused… and educated. Yes, I said polite.
In case you have never seen or heard of cheaters, is a weekly syndicated reality television show created in 2000 by Bobby Goldstein, a Dallas, Texas attorney who documents people suspected of cheating on their partners. It is shot primarily in North Texas around the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex, as well as the greater Houston area. Thanks to the phenomenal success of the show over the last 9 years (which is a sad reflection on our society), it has been syndicated and can now be seen on multiple channels at all hours of the day and night.
The show is based on investigations (referred to as “cases”) conducted by the Cheaters Detective Agency. The agency tracks and investigates people’s deceptive behaviors, activities and sexual infidelities through video surveillance. This is where the educational and entertainment value comes in.
Observing documented surveillance of people who cheat, you are placed in a front row seat to a real-time field survey that exposes the antics and psyche of cheaters. Some are first-time cheaters (those with no history of cheating in relationships). Some are situational cheaters (those who claim discontent about their situation forced that they go astray). Some are recreational cheaters (the most blatant criminals who enjoy manipulating people to get what they want). Very few show remorse for their actions or take responsibility for their actions. They are all liars and their lies and deceitful ways are recorded for the world, and their loved ones (I use that term very loosely in this article), to see.
The following is my list of lessons learned from watching cheaters.
Both men and women cheat, in different ways
Immediately following the show’s discovery segment (where the collected evidence is presented to the spouse/partner who hired the Cheater Detective Agency), there is a segment the producers refer to as “the confrontation.” This is where the spouse/partner of the alleged cheater can confront him (or catch him red-handed) while he is cheating. This is also where the drama, action, and high ratings happen.
From my observation, it seems that the women who cheat, in many of these cases, develop an emotional attachment to the men they have cheated with. They often forge a loyalty to their achievement, causing them to choose the achievement over their spouse/significant other when confronted (so much for its importance).
The men they’ve been cheating with often revel in the cheating spouses’ decision as if they’ve won some kind of prize. In some cases, they even harass her spouse/partner and make comments bragging about their sexual conquests after being found out.
When the situation is reversed, the cheating man’s female lover often walks away in disgust. Remarkably, at least half of the women who hire cheaters to investigate their spouses or significant others attempt (usually unsuccessfully) to resume relationships with them. In real life it is estimated that 64% of marriages attempt reconciliation after infidelity occurs. cheaters confirm this.
Men cheat more…or do they?
According to a WomanSavers.com infidelity survey of over 1,100 women, over 62% of women thought men cheated more than women. Compared to a recent American Sexual Behavior study, 14% of married women have cheated at least once, compared to 22% of married men. That is very close; however, these statistics should be taken with a grain of salt because it should actually say only 14% of married women verified have cheated at least once, compared to only 22% of married men who verified.
Clearly women think men cheat more, but after watching several episodes of cheaters the truth emerges: women cheat much more than men and other women to think. Studies also show that men are caught cheating 80% more often than women; which just goes to show that women are much better at hiding their infidelities… perhaps because when women cheat on them, their men are too busy committing their own infidelities to notice…
unemployed and playing
Many of the people who are investigated for cheating are unemployed. This puts a lot of time at your disposal to fill a void or boost low self-esteem through an affair. is a factor, but cheaters makes it clear that when a person wants to cheat, they are going to cheat – with or without work – as you will read below. If your spouse/partner is not vigorously looking for a job, they may be looking for something else with the extra time they have available.
The main excuse used to cheat: working late
In each cheating episode, they record a phone conversation between the cheater and their spouse or partner. In virtually every one of those phone calls, the cheater uses working late as an excuse to get home late or to break a scheduled date, often while the person he’s cheating with is with them! When your spouse or significant other comes home late on a consistent basisyou have to take note of it.
Friends? Or lovers in waiting?
Both the cheating men and women on this show commonly refer to the person they are cheating with as a “friend”, even when they are seen together naked during hidden camera surveillance. Apparently, referring to your lover as a “friend” deprives the person you’re cheating with of any status or meaning. The person your spouse/partner is likely to cheat with will come from their group of friends.
Lias, Lias, Lias!
People who are investigated cheaters they have one thing in common: they are all clever liars. What this program does is help you understand the similarities between the lies that are told and how they are used to build false relationships with others. Surprisingly, it also exposes the lies that people tell themselves by justifying their behavior becoming. Many cheaters don’t feel like they’re cheating when they’re not happy in a relationship. Others get so used to lying to their spouse or partner that they continue to lie in the face of cold, hard evidence.
A girl who was arrested by the Cheaters Detective Agency said after watching her surveillance tape, “That’s not me! They hired someone who looks like me to be in this video.” Or a guy who told his girlfriend that it wasn’t him on the surveillance tape: it was her twin brother that she never told him about. Incredible. The lies come fast and furious on this show. When it comes to cheating in real life, lies are like bricks in a wall: pull one out and many more are sure to come crashing down.
arrested! Now what?
When men are arrested cheaters they seem confused about who to comfort in the situation: the person they cheated on or the person they cheated with. Cheating women don’t deal with it like that: when they get arrested, they just get arrested. Some are distraught, but many feel compelled or inspired by the opportunity to end the relationship as a result of being arrested.
trust your instinct
cheaters Begin each program with the spouse/partner giving a candid testimony about how they met the person they are researching. It is very reminiscent of how each case began in the now defunct television series. Moonlighting that launched the career of Bruce Willis. Interestingly, nearly 100% of people who research their spouse or partner did so because they felt they were cheating.
We don’t know how often the Cheaters Detective Agency fails to find hard evidence once hired. Those kinds of cases do happen and it would be very realistic to document that sometimes both men and women have sneaking suspicions stemming from insecurity, trust issues or just plain paranoia.
That’s different than a hunch continually scratch your stomach and it won’t go away. The biggest lesson learned from cheaters is that if your gut has been telling you, for a while, that your spouse/partner is cheating on you, you need to act on it. Chances are your gut is aware of something that you are not.
