Have you ever driven through the side rain?
Eight years ago, Hurricane Rita was approaching southeast Florida, and my husband was returning from his weekly out-of-state work trip. We had five hours until the storm, so I got in my car and started the 15-minute drive to the Fort Lauderdale airport to pick him up.
A light rain was falling when I left my house. Within two blocks, sprinkler showers gained power. When I got to the highway, the rain was pouring down hard. Not a big deal, I thought. In Florida, we are used to heavy afternoon rain.
But then I hit the freeway and moved into the middle lane. Suddenly, all hell broke loose. The rain turned into blinding side sheets of concentrated water. As I was driving, the raging storm of water and wind hit me from all sides. This sideways rain made it impossible to see anything but my windshield, the white line in the road, and an occasional light to my left or right.
I tried to figure out how to get off the road. But the lights that appeared next to me were barely visible and came and went without warning. I knew it would be too risky to swerve into the exit lane, so I just followed the white line and kept going.
Doing it was not easy. It was probably going about five miles an hour. It took some concentration to keep my mind on the road and out of my abject fear.
Instead of a 15-minute drive, it took me two hours to get to the airport. As I got to the arrivals gate, the sky began to clear. My husband didn’t understand why it took me so long to get there and I was too traumatized to explain. The way back was completely free of rain or wind. The sun was out. My husband was in a good mood, happy to be home in time for the storm, while I could barely speak or think.
Like coastal residents facing a hurricane, families of addicts move forward together as the addict’s descent into substance abuse begins. At first, they experience some small ups and downs. But when the addiction really kicks in, its storms can go from challenging to blinding in what seems like an instant.
As addiction progresses, the addict is often unaware of its effects, as accounted for by their drug of choice. Meanwhile, family members are awake, alert, and taking it all in. Tension, confusion, searching for landmarks and ‘a way out’ add to a traumatic journey for family members.
If the addict and family are lucky, sobriety comes. But even then, while the addict may seem relieved and content, family members may be wracked with anger and anxiety as they wait for a slip or relapse to take away everything they’ve always wanted…
Throughout the journey, of course, some family members do better than others. Those that do have a built-in resilience that allows them to weather the storm with minimal damage. Just as homes built with concrete survive a storm better than those built with wood or tin, resilient family members bounce back from the storms of a loved one’s addiction more easily than less resilient members.
While not everyone finds recovery easy, most of us can recover, even before and during the worst moments of addiction, with some education, training, therapy, and encouragement. These recovery supports can be seen as storm protection, shielding those who seek them from the harshest blows of the storm.
Here are some tips to help you build your resilience and inner calm in the midst of the storm of a loved one’s addiction:
· Just keep breathing. Often people who are upset by a situation or event become so upset that they stop breathing. To avoid this, create a breathing practice for yourself that allows you to breathe mindfully, deeply, slowly, and naturally, on a regular basis. Some ways to stay aware of your breathing are to take slow, deep breaths before opening the door or answering the phone. Simply cultivating these breathing breaks can help you go a long way toward serenity.
· Understand that this behavior of your loved one is not about you! If you cry, yell, have a fit and try to blame them to stop, you do it for you, and they will too! If you were a fly on the wall during their next binge or run, you might even hear them say, “if you had a (wife, husband, sister, mother, etc.) who acted like this, wouldn’t you drink?” Of course not, but crying, yelling, and feeling guilty are useless behaviors best left for a discussion with your recovery coach, sponsor, or therapist. There are better ways to get your point across to your loved one! Discover them and practice them regularly.
· Take care of yourself. As an adult, your job is to be there for yourself and the other people in the family. This is almost impossible to do if you are not taking care of yourself! So instead of letting yourself ‘go pot’ along with your loved one, take a shower every day, brush your teeth and hair, and eat healthy! Taking care of yourself is a prerequisite for any help you would like to give to another person.
Be a Loving Mirror™. This act alone can make a world of difference in your loved one’s willingness to consider a lifestyle change! To Be A Loving Mirror™ is about cultivating an inner calm and, on that basis, communicating what you see your addict doing and what you hear them say, in a calm and objective way, without judgment or anger. If the ability to do this eludes you, keep practicing it. It is probably one of the most important things you can do for your addict, as it allows you to provide a mirror of your behavior so that you can see things from the perspective of those affected by the storm you have created. When you do it calmly, you have a better chance of helping motivate them to make a change in their life.
Just as victims of hurricanes and other natural disasters may need help to navigate and recover from the trauma they have been through, family members also need tools to help them find better ways to relate to themselves and each other, despite of past traumas.
No matter how bad things seem, as long as there is life, there is hope. Families can play a positive role in encouraging their loved ones to get and stay sober once they get their focus back on themselves. After all, family addiction, like a hurricane, can leave some pretty deep scars, especially if its effects are ignored or denied.
Each of these recovery practices will help you build inner resilience. Also, every time you speak lovingly to someone who is peaceful, you give them hope that there might be a way out of madness for them too.
