Many of the people I hear from are very heartbroken by their marriage after learning about an affair. Very few of us think that we will ever consider ending our marriage. But that was before we knew about it. And this knowledge can change everything. For many people, an affair is the one thing they can never tolerate. Still, when you are left with the real reality of ending your marriage for good, this decision can seem much more difficult than you expected.
To that end, many people will try to use the tried and true decision-making tool of listing the pros and cons. However, when it comes to your own marriage, it can be very difficult to be objective about it. So some people consult neutral third parties about the pros and cons. Someone might ask, “objectively, what are the pros and cons of staying married after an affair? Honestly, I always thought it would be absolutely obvious to divorce my husband if he ever cheated on me. But I also didn’t think this could happen. Always. It was a theoretical thing because we had a good marriage and I never thought it would be our reality. Now that it is, I find myself having a difficult time with the idea of actually ending my marriage, at least immediately. I feel like I owe it to my children. think about this very, very carefully. So I’m trying to list the pros and cons in a very unemotional way so I can make a rational decision. But I’m having a hard time. What are the pros and cons? “
I can certainly list some advantages and disadvantages. It could be biased, because I finally kept my marriage. However, I can guarantee you that I seriously considered all the disadvantages that I am going to list. What I found going through this myself is that you can ALWAYS find the other side of the coin. But ultimately, you’ll just have to decide if it’s the pros or cons that hit the bigger wire with you. As you read the list, pay attention to the physical sensations or reactions you feel as you read it. That will give you clues as to where your true opinions and feelings lie. However, keep in mind that your opinions and feelings can and do change during this process. What you feel when the adventure is recent may not be what you feel six months from now.
Number one pro of leaving your marriage after an affair. You don’t have to stick around for all the hard work: I can’t lie The weeks and months after an affair can feel like torture. The pain, confusion, and shock are always there. Worse yet, every time you see or interact with your spouse, the pain can intensify and you feel and experience it again. So by cutting your losses relatively early, you can theoretically avoid this repetitive process. However, it’s unrealistic to think that you won’t feel the pain (or have to make a big adjustment) even on your own. It’s going to be a fit either way. But at least you won’t face your spouse every day. At least that’s the thinking behind this line of thinking.
The flip side (and downside) If you don’t fix it, then it follows you: I understand why it’s tempting to just run away, especially if you’re sure you’ll never be able to go through with the adventure anyway. However, in a sense, there really is no way to escape. And even if you feel absolutely certain that your marriage cannot be saved, it makes sense to work through the healing process anyway so that you can finally one day close the door on this. Because you don’t want to let the baggage of this follow you into your next relationship. You should not have to continue experiencing this loss for the rest of your life. Better to figure it out once and then move on, regardless of what happens to your marriage.
Pro number two: it’s easier and friendlier for everyone to take a quick, final break. There is less confusion that way: Some people feel that it is kinder to all family members to cut down on their losses at first. They feel that there is no use making illusions of children when they are likely to fade later. They feel that the certainty of a divorce and walking away is better than the uncertainty or trying, failing and everyone being disappointed. I understand the thinking behind this, but there is always an other side that leads me to the next point.
If you try and fail, it is valuable to know that you did everything you could, even with the uncertainty.: I understand not wanting to deal with the uncertainty, but I think knowing that you never tried is, for some people at least, just as bad. At least if you try, you’ll be able to sleep better at night knowing that you’ve at least paused to evaluate all your options before rescuing. And your family will know that at least you tried. I am not saying that none of the options is ideal and I believe that only you can decide which is the most ideal for your particular situation, considering the way you feel. Some people know that there is no way they can tolerate their cheating spouse for another day. And others are more open to wait and see what happens.
There is no result where no one has to fight or no one is injured. Walking away from your marriage is painful. But recovery after an affair is also painful. Not without effort either. I think it is important to ask yourself which future scenario would make you happier: being without your spouse but knowing that you don’t have to deal with them or the consequences of the cheating, or being with your spouse after considerable work but knowing that you will get through the worst. . Both scenarios will attract different groups of people and that’s okay. There is no right or wrong answer. There is only what is right for you.
