This strategy was named Bored Hugs by New Zealand family therapist Diane Levy. It is very simple to implement but has almost magical results when used correctly.
During Boring Cuddles, parents say nothing and do very little. Parents do not make silent noises or provide information or point out alternative activities, they do not try to distract the child from their emotions. Parents do not look annoying child in the eye or try to avoid making a fuss or noise. They simply hold the child and perhaps kiss or stroke their hair, or gently rock it. These are called Boring Hugs because they are boring. Parents just have to provide physical comfort and trust the process. They can continue with their own conversations or activities.
At the end of the complaining or crying period, the child will try to explain what happened or interact with the parents. At this time it helps to make warm eye contact and listen to the story without interrupting. As the story draws to a close, make an empathetic statement like “That hurts, doesn’t it?” or “That was unpleasant, wasn’t it?” it can be supportive and help the child understand what happened.
Boring Cuddles can be used for any situation where children are sad or hurt. Children for whom this is a strategy used regularly appear to be very “brave” when they have hurt themselves and have a greater sense of self-confidence than others. Eventually, a child can just climb onto his parents’ laps, or retell the story or show the little wound, and the listening parents, without interrupting, is an appropriate support. Although it may take longer (in each individual situation and over time) for highly sensitive children, they too can learn to trust themselves to handle their upsets when their parents use Boring Boring regularly.
This strategy is easy to use and very effective because it works with the human brain. The child has time to process the event that caused the distress, without parental help or interference. It may seem too easy or illogical, some parents feel that they are not doing enough work and others feel that they cannot trust their child; however, it is the most efficient way to stop worrying about unnecessary events and reduce the time and amount of complaining during moments of actual physical or emotional distress.
