I get a lot of emails from wives wondering if now is the time to “let my husband go.” Many have tried everything they can think of to save their marriage, but their attempts only annoy their husbands more and drive him further apart. And many of them tell me that their husbands have made it very clear that they are done with the marriage. It may seem like the obvious answer is to give up, but letting go is not an easy process for these women because they suspect in their hearts that if they could just find the right tactic, they might stand a chance. They know they have enough love on both sides and they suspect that if they could take a break, they might gain a little foothold to propel them forward.
Some of these suspicions are correct as I have seen things change time and time again in this situation but often a change of plan is needed and you need to be able to convince your husband that your new plan is genuine and not just meant to trick you into seeing things their way. I will explain this more in the next article.
Why the things you’ve tried probably haven’t helped him change his mind that much: Most of the women writing to me in the scenario above have told me that they “have tried everything to save the marriage” but nothing has worked. Often when I ask what things they have tried, I get responses listing many plans that are sure to cause negative feelings (annoyance, guilt, jealousy, shame, fear, etc.) in their husbands. Now, women don’t want it to be like that. This is not your intention. But when they’re arguing and debating or following him around or telling him that he’s breaking up a family for his own selfishness, they’re actually engaging in behaviors that are going to get them pretty much the opposite of what they really want.
And I realize they’re trying everything they can think of because they want to cover all their bases. They are trying to throw a series of things at the target in the hope that one thing will stick. I get it because it’s exactly what I did, but it also failed miserably for me.
Also, I have to tell you that most men comment on my blog that the reason they have “lost all feelings” for their wives is because they have simply become numb in response to the fact that nothing ever changes. In their minds, it has become very clear that even if they stayed and gave it their all, they would only be wasting their time and prolonging the inevitable. They think everything has been tried and they both gave their best, but they definitely fell short, for whatever reason. And their perception is that it is better for them to be without you than to be with you. Of course, your job is to show them (you can’t tell them because they are beyond believing you) that this perception is wrong. It won’t happen overnight, but it can be done.
Letting go temporarily to get it back in the long term: If you asked me the question “should I let it go?” and you were expecting a very literal answer, I would have to tell you that yes, you should, but only on the surface. Remember when I talked about drastically changing tactics since you have to change perception? Well, now is the time for that to come into play. Because she needs drastic tactics here and she has to encourage her husband to think that she won’t get more of the same.
So to start, sit him down and tell him that you too are very tired and discouraged with the way things have been going. You agree that the relationship isn’t even like it used to be, and as it is, it can’t be satisfying to either of you. Tell him that you are no longer going to try to force him, blame him, or try to change his mind, as this type of play is disrespectful to both of you. Make it clear that you realize that you can’t control what he feels or wants. However, you can control your actions and reactions and from this point on you will act in a way that allows both of you to be happy because eventually you would hope that you could part ways in a strong and healthy relationship. in fact, it doesn’t matter how this ends.
You may be reading this and think that I am asking you to throw in the towel. I promise you I’m not. But, the dialogue that I just demonstrated is necessary. You’re telling her that she’s not getting any more of the same. He’s setting the stage to rebuild the relationship, but because of the way he’s phrased it, he doesn’t feel threatened or defensive. Because of this, over time, you’ll likely find him listening a little more and avoiding you a little less.
Stance that you are letting him go for the good of the marriage: You and I both know that I’m not going to tell you to give up your record and everything you’ve worked for and just let him walk out the door with no answer. However, his answer will be known only to you. You are going to let him think that you are allowing him to move on and that you are doing the same because it is the healthiest thing for you right now.
Therefore, you need to go under the radar and act like a woman who gets by as best she can. You should go out with your friends and engage in behaviors that encourage you and support your well-being. Do what makes you happy and brings you joy and make sure he knows you’re doing it. Often, over time, when he sees you acting in a way that is completely contradictory to what he expected, he’ll become quite curious. They may contact you or arrange to come closer for a better look. When this happens, there begins to be a gradual change. However, once this begins, resist the temptation to go back to the old behaviors or to engage in any attachments. You still have to continue and you have to move very slowly.
The key is to take small baby steps where you start to rebuild a positive relationship. Notice I did not say positive marital relationship. This will come, but you can’t pass it by. You want to allow him to initiate some of the contact, and over time, through shared positive experiences where you can laugh and lighten things up, you want it to be obvious that his perception was wrong, that the two of you are compatible, and can interact. in positive ways so that things may very well change dramatically.
