“The important thing to remember when it comes to forgiving is that forgiving doesn’t make the other person right; it sets you free.” –Stormie Omartian
How do we know if we need to forgive someone, something, or even ourselves? We know it because we feel a sadness that corrodes us inside, even if we don’t know the cause.
The interesting thing about choosing not to forgive is that it hurts us more than anyone else. Your inability to forgive something or someone in your world may hurt someone else a little bit, but I guarantee it hurts you and your world a hundred times more.
As a visual example, think of two goalposts twenty feet apart. A quieter, quieter life rests just past the goalposts – all you have to do is run across the twenty foot gap, blindfolded and voila, you’ll be closer to the life you want. It will be a bit difficult, since you are blindfolded, but there is a large enough area where you should be able to get through to the other side with a few tries. Unforgiveness is like an eighteen foot wall. Place it between your goal posts and now try to run to the other side. Maybe you’ll get through. Chances are you’ll have some serious bruises, or maybe a broken bone, and you’ll probably give up, believing there really isn’t a gap, just a brick wall. Like a wall, unforgiveness blocks our path.
forgiveness brings freedom
An unforgiving nature is very costly in our lives. We may find ourselves becoming attached to other people in unhealthy ways, punishing other people, or losing hope in the world and in our peers.
The first step in forgiveness is to understand all the elements of the incident that we are trying to forgive. We may be forgiving God, a person who hurt or hurt us, or a person who hurt or hurt someone we love. We may be forgiving our parents, our society, our world, or ourselves. Forgiveness does not mean that we are condoning harmful actions. It does not mean that we accept the inappropriate actions of others. Forgiving doesn’t mean we forget how much it hurts us. Forgiveness simply means that we acknowledge the deep pain we feel, but we choose to move past that pain. We forgive those who contributed to our pain and let their actions become part of our past. We let go.
We may not like what someone has done to us, but we can still forgive them and allow them to be someone new, instead of freezing them in that painful place.
Sometimes looking at this from a different perspective can be extremely helpful. Think back to a time when you did something that hurt someone. Maybe you said something “offhand” that hurt someone’s feelings, or maybe you did something that you were ashamed of. Take a few minutes to recall the most vivid example you can. Now think about the series of events that led up to your action. You did something hurtful and how
someone else answer? Did they finally forgive you? What if they hadn’t? What would happen if the person had been angry with you for that action? You made a mistake, a bad decision, or you didn’t think before you acted, and if they didn’t forgive you, they could never see you as you are now. Unforgiveness chains people to their actions and painful pasts. We freeze that painful time. Can you see how that person would miss out on everything you could offer? Or how could that person focus so much on the pain you caused them, that they would miss out on the other good that happens around them?
A classic example is the spiteful lover. He has probably met someone like that or seen an image depicted on film. They have been “wronged” in some way in a relationship and have become adamant that the opposite sex is “not worth your time.” Instead of realizing that they had a painful experience, acknowledging it, and moving on, they continually focus on their pain. Meanwhile, a thousand perfect couples could walk by and you’d never know it. They are too busy focusing on the injustices in life. Many friendships end like this. There is some fight or dispute between close friends or neighbors, and instead of practicing forgiveness, people practice holding a grudge. Eventually, hearts turn sour and less trusting.
At one point in my life, I was so concerned with how others saw me. I wanted to make sure everyone had the real facts on which to base their thoughts and opinions. If someone had what I perceived to be an unfair opinion, I would do my best to put my own “evidence” in their hands or to defend myself. I can’t tell you how exhausting this was. Release came when I made the decision to truly “let go.” I began to focus only on blessing others, no matter what they thought of me. I stopped trying to “make my case” and instead started “living my life.” Every day I make it my goal to live the best life and do the best work that I am capable of. I’ll let that action speak for itself.
To forgive means “to give as before.” To quote John Bradshaw from his book The Family, “It means we let go of resentments and release the energy that has held us back.”
Think of an event in which you have not forgiven someone. Write what emotions you feel when you remember that event. Now think back to a time before that event happened. Did you feel these emotions? You probably didn’t. When you forgive, you give yourself the freedom to let go of harmful emotions and enjoy the positive that can be found. When there is nothing positive to be found, forgiveness gives us permission to let go, move on, and grow.
Even when we have been able to forgive those who have hurt us, we often cannot forgive ourselves. Many of us unfairly hold ourselves prisoner to unrealistic standards that we would never expect from another person. Patricia Commins writes, “Self-love is the only way forward. It is the only cure for the wounds of the soul, the only escape from the negative patterns of the past.”
Self Forgiveness Reality Check Exercise
Recall an incident for which you have not forgiven yourself. Write about the incident in your journal. Now close your eyes. Imagine a morning when you are sitting in your kitchen with a cup of coffee when a dear friend knocks on your door. Your friend is trying to hold back her tears, but you know she’s been crying by her tear-stained face. You invite her in and she crumbles in front of you. When you ask her what’s wrong, she bursts into tears, muttering the sad story of her gasping for breath. Imagine that her story of sadness is the same or parallel to the event recorded in your journal. Visualize yourself advising your friend. What are you saying? Are you making her feel worse by amplifying her mistake? Do you lecture her, suggesting that he should be held hostage to her mistake and let it cause unhappiness in his life?
life? Or do you take a different tack? Take a moment to thoroughly visualize your response, and then write it down in your journal.
A true friend would not let another friend suffer indefinitely, even for the worst actions. Instead, a true friend would suggest responsibility while he encourages self-forgiveness and moving forward. He tries to offer you that same wisdom.
Try another quick visualization. This time imagine that it is you who is crying at the table. Take the same attitude with which you responded to your friend and apply it to your situation. Write the advice you receive in his journal. Try this exercise whenever you feel like you don’t forgive yourself.
Simple self love exercise
For those of us who haven’t practiced self-love, it can be a difficult concept to grasp. Start with a simple gesture of love directed at yourself. Maybe it’s five minutes of uninterrupted reading, or a hot bubble bath, or a walk in nature, or meeting a friend for a cup of coffee. It can be anything that validates the importance of treating yourself well. Create a list in your journal of simple ways you can express self-love. Affirm your value daily by practicing one of these exercises.
