I received the following question on how to trust again:
“My husband and I remarried after we both got divorced and went through a series of relationships. I’ve been hurt a lot, but I tried to end all relationships peacefully, so when I met my husband I felt alive and I knew him.” I saw as my right. great man. And actually he’s great in many ways. But when I found some of his communications with his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends, I found out that he lied to them a lot. And sometimes he lied to me too. I know our The relationship is kind of a control-resistance. I’m trying to control and he’s trying to resist. And I told him that I don’t trust or respect him anymore because of everything he’s done to me and other women. Because he lied, I felt that I had the right to judge him and make him feel guilty for what he had done to me and other women, so he told me that he felt so bad about himself and that he is as bad as what I told him. I feel that it is his problem and I cannot respect a man who is not responsible for what he is doing. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I’ve lost trust in him. Through the Inner Linking process I am trying to recover myself and regain my love, respect and trust for him. My question is how can I restore all this? And how can I trust that I won’t be the victim of him in the future?”
And another question about how to trust again, from another woman:
“Being frank, honest, and loyal are important attributes to me and to others. Once the ‘bridge of trust’ has been significantly burned (ie, infidelity in a marriage or an intimate relationship), it can truly be restored.” trust when it seems to be more important to a partner? How does the betrayed respond when the other apologizes but thinks an apology is enough? How do you prevent this feeling of mistrust from affecting future relationships?”
Learning to trust again requires working on two levels:
1. The first thing to do is your own inner work. You need to do enough Inner Bonding to become a trustworthy loving adult for your own inner child. This means:
- Accept that you have no control over whether or not someone betrays you again, and stop trying to control the other person.
- The total mourning for the loss of confidence.
- Learn to trust your own inner knowing. As you develop trust in your feelings and your Guide, you are more equipped to sense the lack of integrity in others.
- Being willing to lose the other person instead of losing yourself.
- Being willing to take whatever loving action you need to take on your own behalf.
2. The second level of work to learn to trust again is relationship work:
- Both you and your partner should attend couples therapy to fully understand your relationship system. Lying is often the result of one person trying to control and the other resisting or fearing honesty. Both of you must do the work of healing old fears and beliefs and developing a loving and trusting adult within yourself who can be honest rather than deceitful. You can never trust the other person not to lie or cheat on you if your own inner healing work is not a priority.
- Apologies are never enough. Apologies mean nothing without the inner work to heal the underlying fears and false beliefs that led to lying or cheating.
It is unrealistic to trust again without this internal and relationship work. The wounded self in all of us is not trustworthy and can act in very harmful ways when there is not a strong and loving adult in charge of our actions. In order for trust to flourish in your relationship, both of you need to become loving and trusting adults with yourselves and with others.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day Home Relationships Course: “Love relationships: A 30-day experience with Dr. Margaret Paul: for people who are in a relationship and people who want to be in a relationship.”
