How many times do we see people who know us well shrug their shoulders or gasp at the things we have said or done with a ‘how are you!’ How often do we find ourselves in stressful situations reacting in a way that, on reflection, is neither appropriate nor desirable? Even afterwards, we may find ourselves feeling embarrassed, regretful, embarrassed, frustrated, or exasperated by what happened.
Would it be helpful to be able to step back a little bit and review your triggers, pause and pay attention to what’s going on inside of you emotionally, so you can modify or be a little more circumspect in what you say and do? It is possible to highlight four different characteristics that we adopt in different scenarios, each being in balance or out of balance, depending on where we are emotionally. For convenience, let’s call them the lover, the warrior, the jester, and the king or queen.
Let’s take a look at how each of these can influence your life, and then identify ways to use them well, for better balance in life.
– The lover can be described as kind, supportive, creative, empathic. All familiar like nurturing and parenting traits, where you are interested in what others have to say, eager to get to know them better, and genuinely willing to be supportive. But when he is out of balance, the lover can be needy, demanding and desperate to please, an unfortunate way to react, especially during a tense or tense stage in a relationship, when he wishes to keep him in her life. Everything is taken personally when the lover is unbalanced.
– The warrior he is often seen as a well-functioning adult; calm, reasonable and reasoning, willing to compromise, negotiate and find the best way through disagreement or deliberation. But when he is off balance, the warrior can become angry, aggressive, harassing, and even violent.
– The jester. I’m sure we all know someone who is good at defusing tense situations. A look, joke or comment from them immediately defuses potential ‘drama’ and makes everyone laugh at the ways things have gotten out of hand. It allows people to see, with good humor, how they are overreacting and behaving foolishly. But equally, the downside of humor can be when it is used as a force for cruel treatment and intimidation, when someone becomes the butt of jokes and ridicule.
– It depends on your gender, the king or the queen stresses the importance of taking care of yourself and your own personal needs and wants. Make sure you are taking care of yourself and your health, making decisions and choices that are good for you. And when you are in a good place you are in a better position to function well with others.
– Using these insights allows you to quickly tune into your responses and become more aware of what is going on in your life, to be more clear about your triggers and to see ways you can change unwanted behavior and reactions into ways of being more appropriate. You are better able to identify when you are unbalanced and unhappy, and then move into a more balanced state and have more control.
For example, If you start noticing that when you’re unhappy you become moody, tearful, and manipulative, you can recognize these as traits of the unbalanced lover. You can pause and check how you would like to be. You can then begin to think more clearly, appreciating the other person’s point of view more, in a better position to open a positive and constructive discussion as a more balanced and appropriately assertive warrior. Or, sometimes introducing self-deprecating humor can be a great way to break the ice and defuse a situation, taking on the role of the poised jester.
Awareness gives you more control as you recognize and change what you don’t like, rather than barely noticing when you’re being triggered by situations that cause you to react in an unfortunate way.
Similarly, if you see others behaving this way, you can use this positive technique to handle the situation and ensure you get better responses. By simply refusing to get caught up in their negative cycles of behavior, you can influence the dynamics of the situation.
By being a balanced lover, warrior, or prankster, you protect your king or queen and refuse to react in an angry or upset manner. When they don’t get an emotional response, if you choose to remain calm and “balanced”, you will shift the energy and they will quickly learn that their negative focus needs to change to something more appropriate.
