To Dad,
Happy Father’s Day. The words on the Hallmark card I gave you today were not mine. I have a recurring fear that when I finally find my words for you, I’ll be crying on a tombstone and mouthing them inaudibly over muffled tears. In this fear, some of the tears are because I miss you and others because omitted you. Yo omitted the opportunity to give you my words and instead I gave you a three pack of Hanes T-shirts for Christmas.
“I love you dad.”
Is not sufficient. I love mom. I love my wife. I love my brother and sister. I love my dogs, and I love soccer.
“Thank you for being a great dad.”
No. Every dad hears those words.
You may have to dig a bit.
In kindergarten, I had a father who never called. The silent phone never bothered me, because I didn’t know what a dad was.
In the third grade, you married mom. God smiled at me that day, but at that age, I thought God always smiled.
In fifth grade, Mrs. Vandervelt had us draw a picture of our hero and write a few sentences about him. She drew a picture of Don Mattingly because she didn’t understand what a hero was.
In eighth grade, you and mom invited me to a graduation party. When the guests left and the house was clean, you sat me down and poured me a beer. Just you and me, having a beer at the kitchen table. I lost the moment because I still didn’t understand that that’s all life gives us: moments.
In tenth grade, you punished me for cheating on you. He was angry because he didn’t understand what character was.
After twelfth grade, I left home for college. I thought this made me a “man”
A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same since then. No regrets, but plenty of battle scars. If I knew then what I know now:
- I would have cried with joy when you married mom because that was the day my future self became a possibility. I could never have become “me” without “you”
- I would have made a drawing of you. When God didn’t smile, life had me on the ropes, and darkness consumed me, I pulled out of your spirit to fight back to the light. Only in our darkest hours do we know who our heroes are. you’re mine
- I would have ordered another beer. When life gives you moments like that, you do what you can to extend them.
- I would have thanked you for grounding me. I am a man of character because you refused to let me be any other way.
- When I left home, I would have thanked you in advance. He still did not know hardship, pain or suffering. He still didn’t understand compassion, charity, or humanity. I was not yet entangled in disappointment, humility, or grievance. Over time, each made me acquaintance. When I understood what you had done for me, I lost the ability to communicate more deeply than Hallmark would allow. You prepared me to handle these encounters like a “man” and for that I am eternally grateful.
Thanks Dad. I could never have become me without you.
Happy Father’s Day.
Love,
Your son
