There is a theory that the meerkat, an African animal, lives in a community of its fellow species and practices pure altruism. Scientists who did a study of their feeding habit found that when others in the community are foraging or eating, one of them usually stands guard to watch them against predators. The researchers noted that such altruistic behavior is rare in the animal kingdom. Being small in size, meerkats are susceptible to predation; they are preyed upon by larger animals that eat them for food. If the sentinel meerkat spots or sees an advancing predator, it gives an alarm call for others to run to safety. Whether by design or accident, the whistleblower is easily exposed to attack and easily taken advantage of. Other members of the group usually escape without being hurt.
Human beings also practice altruism. We have heard of people who, at one time or another, have performed selfless acts. Examples abound of people with more than enough resources donating to others who don’t have enough. There are also several extreme cases in which a human being donates a part or an organ to another person who urgently needs it. Pints of blood, kidneys, livers, to name a few, have been and continue to be donated without reward, all over the world.
However, the most recent studies of meerkats have also revealed some more interesting things about them. The scientists found that meerkats that stand guard to warn others of any impending danger are often full before taking on that duty. I would have eaten to satisfaction. Not only that, the sentinel meerkat usually stands very close to a nearest burrow. Once the alarm call is made, you are instantly immersed in it. The truth is that the sentinel meerkat is the first to escape any form of attack and danger.
So whatever the intentions, most altruistic acts may not be entirely selfless. If the animal had been disinterested, it would not have eaten before being a guide. Even humans who donate to others are appreciated and often rewarded when they receive gifts, prizes, or cash for their deeds. They receive praise and their self-esteem improves. A feeling of self-importance engulfs them, as a result their ego can swell.
Are you taking your good deeds beyond comfortable levels? Are you pleasing others to your detriment? Isn’t your attitude too focused on making peace with others when you know you’re in danger? People who are too selfless are often too selfless because they want to please other people. They are afraid of being rejected! The need to be accepted, generally and individually by each person, drives the person who wants to please everyone. Try to be in the center of things, without ever taking sides. The goal is to get positive feelings about yourself from people.
They feel or imagine themselves as good people who are inclined to make humanity happy and harmonious. Whether that is feasible is another controversial issue. They are the “men of the Yes”, who never want to fight with others. The extent of kindness to others is almost limitless. They do it on their own.
WHAT IS GAINED?
There are good reasons to be good. Altruism is, bluntly, for the benefit of humanity. Disinterest cannot be underestimated, in any case, as a waste of resources. However, what is not good is trying to please others to the detriment of oneself. It usually requires questions about what is actually gained on the spot. What does a person gain who strives to please another? The answer is usually categorically “nothing.” For example, if you’re the bright type in a class, who likes to help others with one academic problem or another, experience has taught us that you may not get the kind of grade that those you help get.
That is one of many possible situations. Bizarre stories of family betrayal, abandonment and outright denial abound everywhere in this part of the world. Interestingly, many of the tragic narratives begin with a person who is generous and altruistic towards her siblings and relatives. At a later period, when he or his descendants need help, they usually find no one.
Dare complained bitterly about the financial difficulties he was experiencing at school to his roommate, Jide. When Jide asked her if she had aunts and uncles she could turn to for financial help, her response was touching.
Dare’s father was a very wealthy man. He was very generous and benevolent. According to him, his father helped many of his relatives by financing and sponsoring their manual training and even college-level education. His relatives would come to him at any moment for money; he would be willing to dole out cash for weddings, naming ceremonies, and any other event. Dare said that when he was a child, he once asked his father why he was doing all that. The father responded by saying that he was doing all these things because he wanted his relatives to correspond to his own children in the future.
Before they left high school, their father died and to their amazement, their relatives seized all their belongings, leaving them with nothing. From that moment on, his mother began to find it extremely difficult to support the family. She claimed that she stopped going to her father’s relatives when she realized that none of them was willing to provide any kind of support.
Could Dare’s father have exaggerated his disinterest? It was more obvious that he not only overindulged, but also did not prepare at all for all eventualities. He had let his selflessness overshadow his reasoning sense. With all his selflessness, his children suffered so much that they regretted the good character of his father.
ARE YOU A PEOPLE PLEASER?
It doesn’t matter if this is a question. But you’d have to go through this list to see for yourself. You:
• Say yes, no matter the circumstances, even when a no rings in your mind;
• You feel devastated when you feel that someone loves you;
• He would rather feel pain than displease anyone;
• Getting sad when a misunderstanding or disagreement begins;
• Choosing to fail to please another person;
• Following the crowd at the expense of your personal uniqueness;
• Speak for others at your own personal risk;
• Losing sleep over minor disagreements;
• Feeling disturbed by any disagreement with whatever you are doing;
• Consider pleasing others as an integral part of yourself.
NOW YOU CAN GO OUT
1. STOP THIS UNWANTED FEAR: You must understand that pleasing people is a form of phobia. Stop this phobia from within by perhaps finding another to replace it. Think of something else about the positive aspect of life. Must please each and everyone?
2. DECLINE, FOR ONCE: Have you ever thought about saying “no” to an application? You better start learning how to do it. There must be a line between saying “yes” and knowing that it is “yes.” You must be able to determine what you want as different from what others need. Not all requests must be honored. Train yourself to decline. Stop being a “yes man”!
3. YOU CAN NEVER CONTROL EVERYTHING: This could be a jack of all trades freak, but master of the known. Thinking you can control everything is a paranoid mindset. You want to control what others think of you. You want people to like you. You want to be seen by everyone as good. You want it all! Keep in mind that not all of these are valid needs for you. They are just excesses. Be realistic and modest in your desires.
4. YOUR PEACE OF MIND IS PRIMARY: You had been taking risks for so long. You lost sleep for other times without number. Now she is talking about her health. This should not continue like this. If the unexpected happens, no one will assume your responsibilities. Dare’s case, above, says it all. Doing too much for others will take away more emotional strength and affect your peace of mind. Just be careful with this.
5. CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE: There is a way out of this strange mess. Change your mindset from pleasing people to actually helping them. There is a space of difference between these two. The first is negative, but the second is very positive. When you help people you are not expecting rewards or favors. If there is any remuneration, it will not be subject to evaluation that could generate discontent. When you are willing to please, once you get less than you dream of, it will be dangerous.
6. BE PROACTIVE: Try to make things happen without waiting for others. Don’t let people dictate to you, to put you in their good books. In a society like ours, where “in-person service” is a tradition, attracting people’s attention, especially superiors, by acting well in their presence, is a norm. The downside of this is that when it goes unnoticed, emotional stress can set in. But doing things, impromptu, can free you from unwanted emotions.
