Sometimes I hear of people who are desperately trying to find legitimate reasons for not having an affair.
Sometimes this request comes from the “other woman” or “other man” in an affair. It’s understandable that no one wants to be seen as a homewrecker and no one wants to think that they ruined a decent and loving marriage.
You may hear a comment like, “I knew that the man I’ve been having an affair with is married. But I also know that their marriage is dead. I know that they never have sex and I know that his wife doesn’t love him and give him up.” for granted. I know he has repeatedly asked her for a divorce, which she refuses. Honestly, their marriage is in name only. That’s not to say I don’t feel guilty about being in a relationship with a married man, but I really don’t I see this as a full-fledged matter. I really don’t see it. Because I firmly believe that your marriage is in name only. Is it still a matter when the marriage is only a formality at this point?”
I’ll tell you my take on this a bit later, but before I do, I’d like to say that sometimes this concern comes from the cheating spouse. They often feel somewhat justified in their cheating because the marriage is not completely fulfilling and they no longer feel involved or committed to the marriage.
You might hear something like, “My wife and I haven’t really been in love for the last five years. We still have sex from time to time, but it doesn’t make sense to either of us. It’s certainly not good or exciting sex. My wife probably knows that I’m only staying in the marriage for my kids and for the money. It’s not a real marriage. And that’s why I feel like what I’m doing isn’t really cheating. I really love the other woman.. I would like to create a future with her. So is cheating really that horrible if your marriage is dead and there’s nothing left?”
Before I answer, I have to tell you that I am only giving you the opinion of a non-objective wife who has been cheated on. So, to be fair, if she’s looking for a justification for cheating, she won’t find it in this article. I’m not trying to imply that people who cheat are horrible people or that they deliberately set out to destroy marriages or hurt other people. Because I don’t really believe this in most cases.
With that being said though, I don’t think it’s okay to cheat or have an affair. I understand that your marriage can be horrible and unfulfilling. I understand that you may feel that there really is nothing left. I understand that you may feel that the other person is your soul mate or the perfect person for you and that this opportunity will never present itself again.
But here is something you may not know or may not have considered. Almost always, if you asked the faithful wife if she felt betrayed, even considering the state of her marriage, she would say that she did. She wouldn’t tell you that she felt her marriage was dead. She is more likely to tell him that she knew she was in trouble, but she didn’t expect her husband to cheat on her. And, there are two versions of every marriage. Very often, the faithful spouse does not see things in the same way as the unfaithful spouse.
And that’s one reason I never see any justification for cheating within a marriage. If things are that bad in your marriage, then the way I see it, you have a couple of options. You can fix your marriage. Or, you can leave it. But once you get out of that and you’re in a relationship with someone else, that’s cheating. And it’s wrong. I think you can even tell your spouse that you have temptations and that your marriage needs immediate attention. This can hurt your spouse. But being honest in this way offers so much more integrity than going behind your spouse’s back and cheating on them.
I would like to make another point if you are the other person in the relationship, you are in a relationship with someone who is married and you are reading this article. I am not saying this to hurt, but it is very common for the married person to indicate that her marriage is not active when this description is not completely accurate. Of course they are going to say this to make the act of cheating easier for both of them. If a married man told you that his wife annoys him sometimes, but two weeks ago they went away for the weekend and had sex and have been trying to restore their marriage, would you still want to cheat? Probably not. That’s why a married person often paints a not-so-flattering portrait of her marriage to make the process easier for both of them, even if the picture she’s painting isn’t reality.
Sometimes, however, the spouse is telling you the truth. His marriage is no longer passionate or satisfying. But this is a problem that you probably need to solve before starting a relationship with another person. Otherwise, he is misleading everyone involved.
So my answer to this question would be that a married person having sex with someone other than their spouse is infidelity or an affair. It’s really that simple for me. But this is just my opinion and I understand that some may disagree.
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