I see a lot of my spouse’s father in him, I don’t like his father so that’s a big turn off

After you’ve been with the same person for a long time or are comfortably married, it’s quite normal to feel like your spouse has changed a bit. This makes sense if you think about it. No one stays exactly the same throughout their lives. And many of us know our spouses when they were much younger than they are today. So they may seem peppy, rebellious or adventurous when we first meet them. But then, many years later, they may be settled and somewhat more conservative. This is the natural order of things and does not always cause problems.

But it can be problematic if the changes in your spouse particularly worry you or if they remind you of something (or someone) that triggers a negative reaction.

You might hear someone say, “I grew up in the same neighborhood as my husband. I’ve known him for most of my life. When we were kids, we used to play together because our moms were great friends. That’s why I spent a lot of time in his childhood home and I know his parents very well. I have never liked his father. He is stern, old-fashioned, pompous and very judgmental. Only his tone of voice irritates me. I used to avoid my husband’s house at night because I knew that was when his father came. And then the atmosphere in the house would change. The laughter would stop. And everyone would get much more tense. One thing I always loved about my husband was that he was so much more like his mother. , who is gentle and kind. His mom was always laughing and loved having the neighborhood kids over. So I assumed my husband was going to be a husband and father much like his own mother. It used to be that. When we were newlyweds and young parents, my husband was exactly what antic ipe. But, in the last five years or so, I see more and more of my husband’s father in him. Lately, he always acts like the world wants to catch him or rip him off. He is impatient and critical. Worse yet, when I hear my husband’s voice, that screeching tone is the same as his father’s. He drives me crazy and it’s a big turn off. I know the great irony of this is that I am complaining about my husband’s critical personality while I am criticizing him. But I guess I’m very disappointed because he always really disliked his father. And now I feel like I have a father version of him living in my own house.”

What you are seeing is normal: There is an old saying that we all eventually become our parents. I don’t believe this. And I really hope that’s not true because I would never want to be like my mother. I love my mom, but her view of her life is very negative and, as a result, people often feel tense around her. Still, sometimes when my reserves are low, I hear something come out of my own mouth and it literally stops me because she sounds like my mother. I am always disappointed in myself because for years I promised never to be like my mother.

But if you think about it, how could it not, at least in some way, repeat what I grew up listening to? My mother was my same-sex role model for almost 18 years. When you grow up seeing that person and experiencing how they live their life and handle everyday problems, then at least a little bit will rub off on you, even if you reject much of their personality.

I suspect this is the case with your husband. This does not make him a bad person. It does not mean that he identifies with his father and has a similar personality or even similar beliefs. In fact, he would doubt it since his previous personality mirrored his mother’s.

But it’s all too easy to fall back on negative patterns and examples in times of stress, even if that’s the last thing we want or intend to do. I would suspect that her husband’s father comes out on him when he’s anxious, scared or angry. Her husband may have a stronger mental image of her father in tense situations, since her mother was not often in tense situations, she being the more kind and optimistic of the two.

Understanding this is important because it helps you at least feel some empathy. And it can help you understand that your husband isn’t necessarily a bad person and suddenly doesn’t necessarily have the personality of his father. He has not become his father. He just saw this behavior for much of his formative years, so he can’t help it from coming up at times.

Just think for a second if you’ve ever sounded like your own mother. I think we all have, even if we don’t realize it. I’m not telling you this to suggest that it’s okay for her husband to act like her father. I’m just saying it’s natural and very common.

End this in a positive way: But the real issue is how to stop it, or at least tone it down a bit so it doesn’t continue to erode your marriage. The first part of my suggestion would be not to sound judgmental when I mention this. The last thing you want to do is get mad and say something like, “Do you hear yourself? You sound exactly like your father. And that drives me crazy. You know I hate your father.” My husband does something in this situation that is quite effective and does not damage our relationship. He brings this to my attention as a joke. My mother is a worried one who always sees everything as a borderline disaster. In some situations, I can be like that. When this comes up and he’s driving my husband crazy, he addresses me using my mother’s name. He will say: “yes (my mother’s name), everything is horrible”.

That’s her way of telling me I’m sounding like my mom. But she says it as a joke. I get the message. But none of us are angry. She can try a similar approach and insert the name of her husband’s father when she behaves like him. So if her husband was impatient and her father’s name was Bob, she would say, “Wait Bob, it’s not as bad as that.”

Is there something else?: Finally, if this doesn’t help and you don’t feel relieved when you use humor, ask yourself if this is really the core of the problem. Maybe the voice is just a trigger indicating anger at her husband for something else. But you can’t fix it until you address what it really is.

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