I don’t understand why my spouse supported me after I cheated, I don’t deserve it

It is very normal to be hard on yourself after you have cheated on your spouse. You know that you have probably made the biggest mistake of your life and you are on the verge of self-hatred. Seeing the pain on your spouse’s face is like a dagger in your heart because you know that only you are responsible for this.

At the same time, what you want most is to make it up to your spouse in some way, but your self-loathing makes this extremely difficult. Because you see your spouse as deserving of much more than you can offer.

A spouse might explain it this way: “My husband is the best man imaginable. He is loyal, kind, sensitive, and sweet. I never thought I could have a man like that. And recently, I took him for granted by cheating on him.” in it with a man who is the complete opposite. The other man is direct and insensitive, the typical bad boy. I’m afraid he says something about my character that I think someone who doesn’t hold a candle to my husband in terms of character. The truth is that I never felt that he deserved my husband. I try to be a good person, but my nature is not like my husband’s. My husband is intrinsically good. I am not. I have to make an effort to be considerate. I have to try really hard to be polite. When my husband found out that he was cheating, he typically told me that even though he was hurt, he would support me. I’m glad he’s not leaving. for me, but honestly, his loyalty almost made things worse for me. It just makes me understand the fact that I don’t deserve my husband and that I am not worthy of him. I want to be his wife. I want my marriage. But a part of me feels like the right thing to do would be to let him go because he deserves so much better.”

Why your doubts leave you vulnerable: Before I get to the topic of whether or not you deserve your husband, I want to draw your attention to something very important. Low self-esteem and not feeling good enough are two big contributors and precursors to cheating. I hear from countless people who have been unfaithful to spouses they adored in the midst of strong marriages because they felt unworthy and therefore engaged in self-sabotage.

If you take nothing more from this article, please understand that not addressing your feelings of worthlessness or undeserving can leave you vulnerable to cheating again and may cause you to seek out partners that you believe are “more like me” since you don’t think you are. a person of as high quality as your spouse.

I believe that before you can fully address the issues in your marriage, you will need to address the issues within your own mind: the feelings of worthlessness and of being “less than.” I can’t tell you that having an affair wasn’t horrible, because you already know that.

The here and now: Instead of focusing on past damage, I think it’s better now to focus his attention on what he’s doing in the here and now. I’m not sure whether or not you deserve your husband is entirely your decision. It’s also his marriage and if he wants it and feels like he’s getting something from him, do you really want to question it?

For me, a better strategy is to work on yourself, your marriage and your internal dialogue so that in a short period of time you can say with absolute certainty that you have become the wife he deserves. To me, that’s the best way to approach this.

Our opinions about ourselves can become self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet, you have a man who is willing to put up with you, so I strongly advise you not to sabotage this with self-loathing and self-hatred. Getting up and doing the work to become emotionally strong and have as much integrity of character as possible will help give him the self-confidence he needs to know that he, too, brings something to your marriage.

Are you dragging your past with you?: Many of us carry baggage from our childhood into our marriage. I suspect that might be what is happening here. But by doing this, you’re making both your husband (and yourself) pay for something that happened a long time ago, something he’d be willing to bet wasn’t either of your fault.

Now, however, you are an adult. And you have the power to drop the baggage of your past. Starting today, you can begin to become the person you want to be and the spouse you want your husband to have. The first step to doing so is to take a breather. You made a mistake. But you’re serious about fixing it. And part of that is to stop seeing yourself as not good enough.

Yes, you have problems to deal with. And yes, you’ve made a bit of a mess. But just the fact that you recognize the problems and desperately want to improve them tells me that you have a higher degree of integrity than you think. Because people who are not really sorry for the infidelity and who do not want to be better people would not be reading this article.

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